Here are some of the short poems from my set at FOLKLINES 14th JUNE 2019

 

ASSAM

 

Oi?

I heard you only drink tea.

 

Yorkshire tea,

is that right?

 

No water

no juice

 

no spirits

no beers?

 

Just tea?

Yorkshire tea?

 

Cos it’s made in Yorkshire?

Cos its grown in Yorkshire?

 

Assam is not a village

just outside of Leeds.

 

GET OUT.

 

NEWCASTLE REFIX

 

Oi?

You know Newcastle brown ale

 

isn’t brewed in Newcastle, right?

No?

 

GET OUT.

 

RAM

 

Oi?

Ramadan is not

 

‘Weight-watchers’

for Muslims.

 

GET OUT.

RADIO

 

Oi?

You listen to ‘Grime’?

 

She listens to ‘Gardeners Question Time’.

It’s never gonna work.

 

GET OUT.

 

BREXIT

 

Remember

 

when your

 

Indian mother

 

voted

 

for

 

Brexit?

 

ADE

 

Remember

when

 

they

couldn’t

 

say

or

 

spell

your name right

 

even though

it’s been

 

anglicised

for easier diction?

 

HAT

 

Remember

that time

 

you got

 

stopped

by the police?

 

They said

 

it was

because

 

you

 

were wearing

the wrong

 

type of hat?

 

PLANTAIN BLUES

 

Remember

that time

 

you got

a high-profile job

 

to fix

a national race abuse scandal?

 

The first question

they asked was –

 

What type of food

do they eat in Jamaica?

 

POP

 

You cannot

shag

 

your best friend’s

ex-girlfriend.

 

Those are

the rules.

 

What do you mean –

does it count

 

if you

pop it in

 

only

a little bit?

 

Go to the kitchen

alone,

 

make yourself

a coffee

 

or

lock yourself

 

in the toilet

alone

 

for five minutes

or more.

 

You won’t thank me

in the morning

 

or maybe you will.

If you remember.

 

THE CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATION GET OUT CLAUSE – MATHS

 

Remember

when you spent

 

95 %

of the night

 

talking about

what you did for him?

 

And

 

5 %

of the night

 

talking about

what he did for you?

 

The maths

don’t add up.

 

GET OUT.

 

THE CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATION GET OUT CLAUSE – PARTY

 

Remember

how you

 

got off, kopped off, fucked with

someone special?

 

They didn’t tell you

their Ex,

 

who they were still

‘technically’ seeing,

 

was at the same party

in the next room.

 

It’s complicated?

Simplify it.

 

GET OUT.

 

ADDRESS

 

Remember when

I couldn’t find my address book?

 

So you bought me a new one,

filled in, minus all my female friends.

 

SOUL JOKES

 

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,

Thursday Friday,

 

BLACK sits on trains,

stands on platforms

 

losing the plot.

It’s BROWN who pulls him back.

 

Same team.

Different beers.

 

BROWN drinks one from Guyana

cos it reminds him of home.

 

He’s a telecommunications expert

who has always said

 

by fax, landline or mobile:

chat,

 

listen to his jokes

at any GPS location

 

but preferably,

if it’s Wednesday

 

or a hard work day,

go down the pub.

 

He said:

I got an Uzi in my pants and I’m not afraid to use it.

Not a 38 Special or Luger pistol, but an Uzi.

 

He said:

Hey, BLACK.

I bumped into your Ex.

 

She’s still

cursing you down,

 

finding your manky underwear

under her bed.

 

The ones with the elastic

gone out of them.

 

He said:

I’m a lateral thinker. When I get pissed,

I get horizontal on the floor. Boom boom.

 

He said:

Being crap at cricket

is part of British culture.

 

Just like Karaoke, Turkish kebabs,

Indian takeaways, Australian barmaids.

 

He said:

Whatever rumours you’ve heard,

I have not been banned

by all karaoke bars

for being crap.

 

He said:

Just cos I like a laugh,

don’t mean I can’t be serious.

 

I’m a black man born in Guyana.

FUCK COLUMBUS.

 

*

 

Same team.

Different beers.

 

Sometimes friends don’t know which words,

shit jokes prevent their best mate

 

from falling

onto a rush hour train track.